May Peace Be Upon To You.

this week is really something.
i get the chance to take picture with FAHRIN AHMAD!!!!!
i saw him at bugis.
so, me and luqman took picture with him, WOOOHOOO!!!

AND

sth happen tday.
aft ma 1st paper.ard 6pm.

liyana:cute nyer bdk tu
Z: ee, burok ajer, amek, uh, anak ko.
me: huh? klu ank ko burok cm ner?
Z: tkper asl tk hitam

straight at ma face.
its like a slap *PAP* on ma face.
i thought i cn cntrl it.
but i learn tht i cnt.(hahaha, learn.tch)

then, i hooked liyana and Nana's hand, brieflt told em ma feelings.
then i startd crying.
i THOUGHT im immune to this thing alr, but NOPE.
19-6(since kindergarten) yrs= 13 yrs of sufferings, ppl call me names for having dark skin for a malay kid.
i ws hurt badly.
i THOUGHT all this end aft i left secondary sch(16 yrs old)
but it all come bck to me AGAIN.

im still the malay kid wth dark skin kid.
i cried and cried and cried in the handicapped toilet.
Nana and Liyana ws thr, in the same toilet, tryin to calm me dwn.
but i cnt, i pulled the toilet roll furiously.
i ws pissed bcz i am who i am and i ws taken aback with her comment.

nana then went to call her.
i ws like, why? dont hv to.
then i told liyana to go n stop nana.

liyana told nana"klu ko anggap aku sbg kwn baek ko, ko jgn buat pape pt de"
so nana just hand signaled her to come to us.

when i ws alone in the toilet.
i threw tantrums.
i kicked the walls.
i ws swearing at the dark skin lady who ws staring at me in the mirror.
i dragged her self -esteem dwn the toilet bowl.
and flushed it.
i made tht lady felt demoralize.
the lady in the mirror ws crying bcz of ma harsh words.

eg."u freaking black ugly lady! wad she said is true! why fret?! u are black! fad, ko sial!"

then liyana came with luqman.
i ws like, no need to call her, i ws just taken abck, tht is why im like this kinda thing.
aft i said tht, i screamed with frustration.
like really loud and angry.
it went for solid 5-10 seconds? yeap, tht long.
i ws freaking angry.
i ws shaking, with disappointment(ma skin color, her saying tht to me, which i didnt xpect) and anger.

i sw luqman move a step bck. n liyana's expression changed.
it wsnt on purpose, to show ma other side.
ma devilish side.
but i cnt cntrl maself.

then luqman went out, liyana lockd the door.
tht ws when she came knocking, calling me.
"Fad syg, im sry, tht wsnt meant for you, fad, open the door"
things like tht.

i cool maself dwn abit and let liyana open the door, she came, liyana went out.
just me and her.
she said: im sorry
tried to touch me.
i push away saying i need time out.
she just stood thr.

then i took a deep breath, and said: xplain wad u wanna say.
she went on telling bout she, growing up in a racist family, and she's trying not to be one.
me: then? ko ckp gitu, ko buter ke aku color aper.?
z: im sorry.
me: well, dh terkeluar pn, ko dh ckp, dh tk ble buat apr2.
and walkd off.

so, me , nana and luqman walk to our sch macdonalds.
nana: awkward
i ws like chill uh. act s per norm,.
luqman: mane lagi rabak? ni ker yg class bepecah.
me: ini, coz its more personal.

HAHA,
she left when me, nana, liyana and luqman went macdonalds to eat.
and we talkd.

i found out tht luqman and liyana freakd abit.
kos they nvr seen me like tht.yeap.

well, they said that they hoped tht tday is like a wakeup call for her.
not to criticize ppl.

and yes, she critisize ppl, dark skin ppl.
tch. humans.

then when i did self reflect omw home.
then i realise.
Allah created me this way for some reasons.
and he hs his reasons.
so why must i be like this?
i shd appreciate him for creating me this way then being disabled, true?
yeap, i trying ma best now to appreciate ma color again after i appreciated it 2 yrs ago till tht aftnn.
*sigh*

now, my self esteem is dwn/low.
critically low tht i cn anytime jumpdwn or slit ma wrist.
i didnt even wanna to look at the mirror.
this is hw bad im feeling right nw

after all,
to some ppl.
im
UGLY
and
BLACK

sigh.
u ppl donnoe how much i hated maself previously.
and being able to appreciate maself is like a big thing.
but nw.?

when i reachd hm, i told mum.simply bcz i need i know i need words of encouragemnts.
told ma 2 younger sis, one of em cried.
thts about it.

*wipe tears*

-blacklips

Labels: Friendship, its all in here., its over.?, life's like tht., me., some things are better hidden