May Peace Be Upon to You.

thehearttalk:
i gt a friend.
and he confess alot.
i dont believe tht a friendshp between guy and a gurl dont lasts.
i had great guy friends.
best friends.

lets not destroy our friendship w this.
or our 5 yrs of frnship gone for gd.

i needa go ultrasound on 6 july.
why?
kos thr's a 2cm lump under ma right axilla.
yeap.
so sad.
lets hope its not wad i think it is.
im only 19 for gdness sake.
well, goin to.

pray for me ppl.

and, one more thg, i cnt dcide if i shd go USS w ma classmates.

-blacklips

Labels: thehearttalk

May Peace BE Upon To You.

aigoo.
few days bck, dad's bike gt stolen.
last saturday.(1st may)
then we're like panick to the max, koz, w/o bike, dad cnt go to BOTH of his wrk.
so, we borrowd grandma's(opah) money.
5K.
gt a new bike.
problem solved.nt including the part we paying opah bck.
JUST NW, mum txtd me,
she receivd a call frm AMK police statn, saying tht the found Dad's bike.
and the Ind guy got caught.
so, the thing is,
we JUST WASTED 5K on a new bike!!
simply said, we hv 2 bikes nw..
AND we hv to pay opah.
aigoo..
headache headache.

last saturday(1st may)
we went for cuzzy's bdare party.
nt bad la, but, for a person who doesnt mingle ard like me, i had a hard time blending in!
but at least i participated in the games aft being forced.
at tht pt of time, i hate mum to the max.
anyhoo, its over nw.
*phew*

tday.
we had a classmeeting for FYP proj.
sdiket sbanyak aku teraser, but its NOT ONLY ME!
and tht gurl,
Nazira, she might nt think anythg.
but its like THE FIRST TIME she made sooooooo many eye cntct w me.
im like waddefuq?
well, she mihgt nt think anythg, and i might miss interpret it.
but, at tht pt of time, i rly think im the most stupid gurl in cls.
though i think its true,
i hv at least one heart to cnvince tht im nt(which is me).
*sigh*

and, we hv to fork out FIFTY bux for our FYP proj.
im like,i cn DIE ots!
its rlly alot.
im nt gna ask mum for money.
im nt going the onlyh one who's paying less.
and worst, im nt gna hv another person to pay some for me.
NEVER again.!

i figured out one way hw.
tht is to tie stonnes ard me tummy.
and 50bux will cost me almost €THREE WEEKS of not eating.

money money money money!!!

till then.
-blacklips

Labels: its all in here., some things are better hidden, updates (: Kpop

May Peace Be Upon To You.

did i tell tht ma cousin is incntct with ma lecture mate.?
well, yeah, he did.
):
and i hate it!
why?
koz he badmouthed ma family to a stranger.
eventhough i know tht gurl.
i hate it! i hate it!

anyhoo, im now havin ma hols.
and ill hv ma attatchmnts in 2 wks time.
for 3 solid weeks! urgh!

every now and then, ve been thinkin bout ma graduation night, this
June.
but, i sorta made up ma mind to not attend the event.
i know its like ma GRAD day!
but, idt i cn cope with the number of ppl tht;s gonna turn up ya noe.?
its like close to 700 students??!!!
na michi ketta!

idk what to do now.?
i wanna watch kdrama, but idk which!
urgh!

and ive been avoiding 2PM related stuff like for more than a wk alr.
hmm

mum's alr hv plans to matchmake me.
yeap, but im only 19!
why?
i think she wanna do tht kos,
-i am who i am
-she dont wants me to go out with guys etc
-dont wants me to date ppl.
she even said i shd go straight to marriage instead of u knoe, engaged 1st or anythg.
ZOMG!
bottom line, ma life is more or less cntrld by ma mum.
EVEN MA HAIR!
she doesnt allow me to cut it.
urgh!!

help needd!
on hw to cope with all this crap!

i really3 want a phone buddy.
ma frn is bz.
they hv their stuff.
i want a phone buddy who cn listen/read to ma rants.
some1 idk.
why? koz i dont usually tell ma problems to ppl i know other than this blog, which none of ma frns know.
hmm.

):

i still donne wad to do after this.!

i think, im slightly fat.
well, for being nt tht preety,
i dcide to take care of ma body.
atleast i hv sth tht c pull ma self esteem up.
then, when i ws lookin thru ma last yr's pic and this yr's.
i realise, ma cheeks!
magdness! its like WO~!

well, im 5okg at the height of 1.6m.
cham! hw to grow taller.?
grr. i want ma height to be ard 1.65-1.7m
hmm

ma frn just went off to MELBORNE yesterday.
infact, its 2 of em.
sch trip.
due to ma financial status,
i..
cnt..
go..
ahh, so sad.):

i think i better go nw, b4 i talk crap.
):

*waves*
*flying kiss*

-blacklips

Labels: life's like tht., updates (:

May Peace Be Upon To You.

this week is really something.
i get the chance to take picture with FAHRIN AHMAD!!!!!
i saw him at bugis.
so, me and luqman took picture with him, WOOOHOOO!!!

AND

sth happen tday.
aft ma 1st paper.ard 6pm.

liyana:cute nyer bdk tu
Z: ee, burok ajer, amek, uh, anak ko.
me: huh? klu ank ko burok cm ner?
Z: tkper asl tk hitam

straight at ma face.
its like a slap *PAP* on ma face.
i thought i cn cntrl it.
but i learn tht i cnt.(hahaha, learn.tch)

then, i hooked liyana and Nana's hand, brieflt told em ma feelings.
then i startd crying.
i THOUGHT im immune to this thing alr, but NOPE.
19-6(since kindergarten) yrs= 13 yrs of sufferings, ppl call me names for having dark skin for a malay kid.
i ws hurt badly.
i THOUGHT all this end aft i left secondary sch(16 yrs old)
but it all come bck to me AGAIN.

im still the malay kid wth dark skin kid.
i cried and cried and cried in the handicapped toilet.
Nana and Liyana ws thr, in the same toilet, tryin to calm me dwn.
but i cnt, i pulled the toilet roll furiously.
i ws pissed bcz i am who i am and i ws taken aback with her comment.

nana then went to call her.
i ws like, why? dont hv to.
then i told liyana to go n stop nana.

liyana told nana"klu ko anggap aku sbg kwn baek ko, ko jgn buat pape pt de"
so nana just hand signaled her to come to us.

when i ws alone in the toilet.
i threw tantrums.
i kicked the walls.
i ws swearing at the dark skin lady who ws staring at me in the mirror.
i dragged her self -esteem dwn the toilet bowl.
and flushed it.
i made tht lady felt demoralize.
the lady in the mirror ws crying bcz of ma harsh words.

eg."u freaking black ugly lady! wad she said is true! why fret?! u are black! fad, ko sial!"

then liyana came with luqman.
i ws like, no need to call her, i ws just taken abck, tht is why im like this kinda thing.
aft i said tht, i screamed with frustration.
like really loud and angry.
it went for solid 5-10 seconds? yeap, tht long.
i ws freaking angry.
i ws shaking, with disappointment(ma skin color, her saying tht to me, which i didnt xpect) and anger.

i sw luqman move a step bck. n liyana's expression changed.
it wsnt on purpose, to show ma other side.
ma devilish side.
but i cnt cntrl maself.

then luqman went out, liyana lockd the door.
tht ws when she came knocking, calling me.
"Fad syg, im sry, tht wsnt meant for you, fad, open the door"
things like tht.

i cool maself dwn abit and let liyana open the door, she came, liyana went out.
just me and her.
she said: im sorry
tried to touch me.
i push away saying i need time out.
she just stood thr.

then i took a deep breath, and said: xplain wad u wanna say.
she went on telling bout she, growing up in a racist family, and she's trying not to be one.
me: then? ko ckp gitu, ko buter ke aku color aper.?
z: im sorry.
me: well, dh terkeluar pn, ko dh ckp, dh tk ble buat apr2.
and walkd off.

so, me , nana and luqman walk to our sch macdonalds.
nana: awkward
i ws like chill uh. act s per norm,.
luqman: mane lagi rabak? ni ker yg class bepecah.
me: ini, coz its more personal.

HAHA,
she left when me, nana, liyana and luqman went macdonalds to eat.
and we talkd.

i found out tht luqman and liyana freakd abit.
kos they nvr seen me like tht.yeap.

well, they said that they hoped tht tday is like a wakeup call for her.
not to criticize ppl.

and yes, she critisize ppl, dark skin ppl.
tch. humans.

then when i did self reflect omw home.
then i realise.
Allah created me this way for some reasons.
and he hs his reasons.
so why must i be like this?
i shd appreciate him for creating me this way then being disabled, true?
yeap, i trying ma best now to appreciate ma color again after i appreciated it 2 yrs ago till tht aftnn.
*sigh*

now, my self esteem is dwn/low.
critically low tht i cn anytime jumpdwn or slit ma wrist.
i didnt even wanna to look at the mirror.
this is hw bad im feeling right nw

after all,
to some ppl.
im
UGLY
and
BLACK

sigh.
u ppl donnoe how much i hated maself previously.
and being able to appreciate maself is like a big thing.
but nw.?

when i reachd hm, i told mum.simply bcz i need i know i need words of encouragemnts.
told ma 2 younger sis, one of em cried.
thts about it.

*wipe tears*

-blacklips

Labels: Friendship, its all in here., its over.?, life's like tht., me., some things are better hidden

May Peace BE Upon To You.

u noe, last mon/tues.
last week la huh,me mom woke me up by splashing 500 mls of cold water.
tch. fcking angry.
ma "nest" ws damn wet la pls.
nest= ultra thin matress, 2 comforter, 1 blanket, 2 pillows, bntl busuk and hp.
like shit right? i knoe.

anyhoo. yesterday ws last day of sch for yr2!!
OMG!.
for the next 2 wks, will b ma exams.
FAD!! HWAITING!! ^^

okay. valentine's coming.
MUSLIMS, dont celebrate!
its not for us to celebrate.
((:

anyhoo, im currently watchin this kdrama
BAD LOVE. well, in ma opinion, its a GREAT story.
AND VERY ADDICTIVE!

cham! ma classmates.
woohoo! i finally manage to influence em to listen to kpop!
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
introduce em to 2pm!
LOL
so nw, every nw and then, or shall i say, everytime we meet, we'll talk bout 2pm.
HAHAHAA!
and 2pm is like a sensitive word to say.
HAHAHAHAH. bu tokay, finally, i cn talk kpop and ppl understands.

i still rmbr, a lecture mate of mine,
she said, she wont and NEVER fell for this thing(kpop)
but i just show her 1 mv, and she's addictd.
*laughs* nxt time dont be toooo confident uh.....kekeke

we even learn the dance steps which is way cool.
i know muslims cnt dance, its a sin, but we dance in the for m of exercising.
so yeah. i bet its nt a sin.
its like "kebaya robics(spell)"-whr muslims aunties dance to loose wt.
*winks*

since its gonna be valentines's day,
i crack ma head just to figure the definition of LOVE.
yeap, nt the dictionary def. but ma own.
HAHAH.
so, i came up with this.
love, being in love is like seeing ghosts, not everyone hv experience it, but its thr.
(if u get what i mean)

and i realise..
couples who broke up due to other party, is freakin..
erm, freakin stupid and hurtful.
hurtful nt bcz the love hs endd, it hurts bcz the love is ongoing.
HAHAH! omg! this is so not me.
talkin like this.
i bet wheni re-read this entry, im gonna hv the chills.
HAHA

cham! thr'll gonna b agraduation night/day. wadever u call it.
i donnoe if i shd go.
WHY?bcz, im afraid of the number of ppl might be thr.
roughly 600 plus!! O.O
the theme is HOLLYWOOD MEETS BOLLYWOOD.
which i think is really difficult.
and ppl will end up wearing the same thing.
which spells BORING!
masquerade will b much easier. AND INTERESTING!

but this.):
idk wad i shd wear.
a frn of mine will b renting this wedding saree.
soo rich.(unlike me ): )

i even askd for mum's opinion.
she gave me ideas.
but i finally told her tht im afraid of the ppl tht's gonna be thr.
n she ws like "mcm mane ko nk hidop tk campr org"-hw r u gonna live nt mixing with ppl.

yes, i prefer to be on alone..
an she ws like "tk kawen la ko"-not gonna get married.
n i ws like, idc.
at ma age nw, an ma fear of crowds/ppl. aka anthropophobia.
i dont think of getting on any relationship.
well, xcept for frnship. (WITH THE CURRENT PPL ONLY)

i realise i need therapy for this, but i chose not to,
i believe one day, imma be "cured" frm this.
insha Allah.
HAHAH

anyhoo, thts it!
alright.
imma go study.


*waves*
-blacklips

Labels: life's like tht., me., some things are better hidden

May Peace Be Upon To You.

i sw ma ex-mr eyecndy!
ahha
he gt this new ad boy look, which still makes him look great.LOL

i realise, old classmates hd gathering etc, with zoo members.
its fcking sad, i wsnt invited.
*sigh*
i guess i ws born to not socialise.
let it b because of ma fcking esteem, or bunch of homo sapiens i call friends.
sigh.

im angry and sad at the same time.

and ive been clickin on the fcking "add as friend" button but she didnt accept it.
i guess she hated me tht much.
why i said tht? kos, ive been doin tht ever since i hd fb!
which like almost a yr?!!
and, i sw ma other mates "gt accpetd" but nt mine.
hw sad.

i thought she missed it or sth, so yeah, i kept clickin.
but nope.
is thr a grudge she had on me.?
FML.

anyway, i gt grade B for ma bio practical.
which is surprising!
i really2 thought imma score D or fail.
why?
bcoz, the theory sucks big time!
-.-

i wanna kill ma self,
an im planning on it.
^^,

wansuey
-blalcklips

Labels: bias, Friendship, its all in here., life's like tht., lost, Mr.eye candy(:

May PEace Be Upon To You.

omg!
ive been superr bz...
with attatchments and all. ohhh maaaiiiii goooooooood!!
hah. anyways,

there's anew kid to destroy other kids in Singapore.
gah!

it really surprises me tht when muslims dance or act or wadever tht gt to do with media,
its a SIN! surprising much.? yeap.

anyways. ma gf found singapore version of AJ!
i ws like waaaaaaaaad??!!
well, nt the looks wise, the dancing wise.!
cool much.?
haha

omg, at times im soooo into kpop tht i wanna do the stupid bloody letters thingy.
haha, (so fanatic)
but im nt, in tht sense la huh.

*chuckleS*

plan for tday:
-chop ma hair
-study for bio practical.
-prepare to pharmaco presentation.

jyeah!
anyways, i passed ma nursing lab practical.
eventhough i almost punch ma assessor, i still passed.
simply said, ma assessor really test ma patience.
she's the follow by the bk kinda lecturer.
tch! and ma she didnt see ma critical skills,
and thts MAJOR! super super major!
so i fought bck.
tch!

well, me n me sis currently into kpop dance.
n we're trying to dance like em.
in list.
-where you at
-abracadabra
-mister
and the list goes on.
yeap. well, dance not to perform but dance for exercise.
jyeah!
atleast its not sinful for muslims.
*winks*

alryte
wasue y
-blacklips

Labels: updates (: Kpop